nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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