"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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