She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
