i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
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oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
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my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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