The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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