ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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