I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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