At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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