What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she looked like the before picture.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
