just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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