i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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