I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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