you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
