I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
