All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need to calm my uterus...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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