Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
