yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
