We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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