Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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