Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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