Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
