I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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