If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
