OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
