I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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