Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
