Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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