I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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