i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
