Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
