can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
too bad you live with your parents still
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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