I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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