he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
