connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
