he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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