I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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