U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
