Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
