I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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