This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
