Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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