i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
