i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
