He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
