so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
