I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
