areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
