I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
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the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
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A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.