all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
