Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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