my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
