fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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