I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
